Sexy Mother Pucker

This is not what you think. Its a quicky about a product. Sexy Mother Pucker is the cleverly named lip gloss that I recently purchased. It wasn't just the name that drew my attention, but also the headline that read "lip size found crucial for sexual attraction". It promised to plump lips to 10x their normal size...and is activated with water.(huh?) This is not necessarily a product I need, but I took the bait. (as some of you may or may not know, my natural lips are pretty plump....a feature I was tortured for as an elementary student, and envied for as an adult.)

( for a second, I also thought that this would have been a good gimmick for the sex toy party I recently attended...hmmm.....)

At 10 bucks, I thought, what could be the harm. I opened the package, and applied the gloss. My first impression was that it tasted like chocolate. I immediately began licking my lips...around and around, my tongue circled as quickly as the rims on an Indy 500 car during the final stretch of a race. In about 3.8 seconds, and before I made it to a mirror, the gloss was completely gone off my lips.

This, by the way, is very clever of the manufacturer for a couple of reasons:

#1. The licking of the lip gloss is most likely the cause of the sexual attraction...what man is going to resist a woman licking her lips like that? and
#2. Due to the constant licking, reapplication is crucial, resulting in the need to purchase the product more often.

(side note: I have been on a no sugar regimen...so my incessant eating of my lip gloss may have just been my overwhelming need for sweets....just saying)

OK, on to the experiment:

Freshly glossed. "Oh Dave"..... in my lowest, most sexy voice. (I know, those of you who know me really REALLY cannot imagine me doing this...but it was purely for research purposes) Nonchalantly, trying to put my best lips forward. (get your head out of the gutter....we are testing the LIP GLOSS here). "So, what do you think of my new lip gloss? His response? "they look the same...but why is your tongue brown?". Damn it. I tried so hard.

Oh well. It really wasn't worth the $10 for me. I guess I should stick to chapstick and M&M's.