Sex and the Suburbs

Ok, this is probably the ONLY blog of this type you will EVER get from me...... My little blog was to be the total OPPOSITE of Carrie Bradshaw's depiction of single woman and their sexual escapades and (sometimes) relationships.

We can't all be June Cleaver all of the time (well..I can. Most the time). I mean, we were all trying to land our husbands at one point...and there was a price...certain things we had to do. Yes, call it bait and switch. Now, I am only speaking for myself...and several dozen of my married girlfriends. Make no mistake however, there are a select few of very lucky husbands out there whose wives go on as if they were still courting.

Now, most of you have probably attended a pyramid sales type party. These include Tupperware, jewelry, bakeware, etc.

Throw out your apron and pearls ladies! There are a couple of companies out there that want your business....and when I say business...i mean up in yo "business"....literally. They organize parties..usually for woman, and invite you to partake in an evening of sex, sex and more sex. Ok, don't get excited (yet) I'm not talking about a giant orgy here. I am talking about the sale of objects and devices that would make your grandmother roll over in her grave. (I'm 35 years old and told my mother I was going to a jewelry party)

Most of the woman who partake in these parties see each other in the grocery store, church, the school parking lot. They may chat about PTA Meetings, fundraisers, and carpooling. What I don't think there realize prior to RSVP'ing, that they were learn much more about their neighbors than they may want or need to.

I attended one of these parties last evening. My fifth such event. (don't judge me...judge my friends). I had never seen so many woman gathered in one place at one time (clue #1 that I do NOT attend the above mentioned PTA meetings)

There was alcohol, food, and more alcohol. The age range was late 20's to early 70's. (impressive...I know).

There is a certain code you follow when you go to these parties...not written..not said, but understood. Each woman in attendance is like a doctor or attorney, and client confidentiality is a key element. Anything discussed stays between the woman. But rest assured, husbands, boyfriends, lovers.....there's a good chance your neighbor may look at you a little differently. (don't be scared....woman, as a rule, don't usually sell out their partners...miss manners taught us that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all) (ok, that may not be entirely true...but it should be)

Everyone was asked to sit so that the hostess could begin her demonstrations (mind you..this was approximately 45 minutes after the party had begun....or 2.5 drinks later).

She passed out a piece of paper and asked each of us to write down what our vajayjays would say of it could talk. The answers were collected and read aloud. They went from "lick me" to "closed for business". ( Had they asked me what my ice cream cone or uterus would say, I could have written both) Both answers were a good indication that there was something here for everybody.

One of the first items was a spray to clean "spots" off your sheets. My question was "will it work on breast milk"? (and not to give you a flashback...but Monica Lewinsky could have benefited from this party back in the day) NEXT.

Next, a pheromone used to entice others by your "come hither" scent. That's all I need...the Stop & Shop Butcher trying to give me HIS meat. I wanted to know if they also had a repellent. They did not. NEXT.

Another was a vibrating hairbrush. Really? A vibrating hairbrush? Do we really need to go there while grooming? And its 2010. I watch enough "Girls Next Door" to know that most woman don't need an entire brush down there. NEXT.

Then there were the myriad of creams and lotions. One was a nipple cream....I was only interested if there was an ingredient that caused the recipient to fall asleep quickly...and sleep through the night. There wasn't. NEXT.

There were numbing type lotion. (I wanted to know if it worked on my emotional state of mental agitation). I don't know why I felt the need to lick this one. I am do for a root canal soon...maybe I should have considered this one. NEXT.

After the PG Rated items were done, the hostess entered the room with a giant case. I thought a man was in there. Now THAT would've been something.

She proceeded to whip out an arsenal of phallic-like objects. Some spun, some thrusted, some shook like a level 8 earthquake. I'll be honest. Most were down right scary. Most had little vibrating animals attached to them. Dolphins were popular. I don't know, ladies, but I have yet to meet a man with a dolphin sprouting from his junk. (I have been fortunate not to have met anyone with anything sprouting from his junk) NEXT.

There were certain items in the catalog which were not demonstrated. I was a little disappointed. I was really interested in the swing. I thought maybe I could get Emma to sleep if I hung something like that in the closery.

All in all, it was a great time. A lot of little black bags left that house. Its a good thing that it's not Monday, because I have a feeling there would be a lot of tardy students. (sorry...my mommy woke up late)

Unfortunately, these days my bed is occupied by the "grenade" and the "grenade launcher. Thats MY SITUATION. (calm down....its a Jersey Shore reference....although I think there were items of the same name on the order form as well) Fist pump.

PS: If you're wondering what I walked out with, it was information...information that just may get me elected to Volunteer of the year at school (despite my lack of volunteerism) ...or a coveted parking space for drop off and pick up.