Animal Hoarding

Somehow...this post turned out more novel than blog. You may not want to continue unlesss you need something to comsume a good portion of your day. I apologize in advance. For I have little control from brain to fingertips sometimes.

Hello, my name is Jennifer, and I am an animal hoarder.

HOARD, verb
To accumulate for future use, preservation

OK, so "hoard" may not be accurate. As you will see...there in no real intent on future use or preservation.

However, there have been several accusations, made by separate individuals, eluding to the fact that I have a problem with the purchasing, adopting and/or otherwise accumulating pets.

Let me take you back in time....back to when I was a child. I loved animals. All animals. I got this from my father, who shared my love. My mother, on the other hand, was a loather of animals...at least that was the perception I got over the years. (those who know her am sure, could see how this could be).

Two very important, yet tragic events occurred during my formative years, that I am sure, a therapist may perceive as the cause of my animal "problem".

The first, was the rabbit incident. You see, my parents had two boys from NYC staying with us for the summer. They were true city kids and were not used to the suburban living. Suburban may not be correct...I grew up on 40 acres of pure, green, tree-covered, farmlike land. (yes, it was Cowessett and this was pre Route 2). Ok, the "rabbit incident". I was walking across the sprawling, green lawn when I came upon the boys. I saw them throwing something and laughing. When I approached, I saw that they were throwing rocks at a little bunny rabbit. I was horrified, but somehow, in that same instant, I found myself being lured over and egged on to launch a pebble at the little creature. How could I say no? It was a dare! I felt I needed to prove that little girl could do something they could not. I slowly drew the stone over my right shoulder, and launched it like grenade. As soon as my tiny hand released it, I knew that my aim was going to be sharper than a venom spitting cobra aiming for the eyes of its victim. I hit that little bunny. And then....I cried. I cried and I ran home.

Incident number two. The snake incident. My father had been gathering tools from the shed. While looking for a shovel, he happened to glance up and see a snake staring at him from the rafters up above his head. My dad is very nature savvy, however didn't recognize the snake...but it was no garter snake. (and no, it was not a venom wielding cobra, either!)
He reached for the shovel, and with one swift swing, hit the snake square in the head causing it to come falling to the ground. What followed next was unthinkable...well, at least to an 8 year old. My father took the snake, still alive, and hung it over the 3 foot fence separating our house from the farm next door. I stared at this snake....blood bubbling from its mouth. Watching it gasp for breathe. In the meantime, my father grabbed some nature book and determined it was a harmless grass snake. (was he expecting to find that it was a rattlesnake...come to Rhode Island from the dessert...or perhaps..the elusive yet deadly black mamba from Africa smuggled in the country by those crazy Providence snake traffickers?) I was so upset...I watched for hours until Frankie died. (yes, I named him..it seemed only right given the situation....I buried him as well)

My vivid recollection of these traumatic events, I am sure, make you realize why I have a need to love and save all animals.....I am somehow making up for the horror and abuse caused by myself and my family in the early 1980's.

I could reminisce about every animal I ever owned, however, that could take days.

THE EARLY YEARS

It began with wild animals....as my mother would not purchase "real pets" for me. So, I could only keep that which I could catch (at first, anyway). There was ROBIN, the robin, who I raised from bald little baby bird whom had fallen from its nest. ( i would later go on to raise a total of 8 robins, 1 bluejay, and an oriole).

Next, there were the caterpillars. (most of you remember the year the caterpillars were taking over....when no tree was free of the Vaseline ring around the trunks). I was going to save this cute, furry creatures. I took a stick, ripped open the nests, and filled my sand bucket. I don't know what the hell I was going to do with the hundreds I collected. And I don't know why I thought they would stay in this bucket. We had a sunken patio where I kept them. It didn't take very long before they were covering the floor of the patio....I couldn't save them and most ended up stepped on. OK, that was not one of my finest ideas.

The moles....the moles were cute, and blind. I captured them and gave them love. They died after a couple of days. I had no idea what to feed a mole.

The garter snake that sunned itself upon the bush under my bedroom window. OK, that was never REALLY a pet, but I would spray it with water every day, so I considered it so.

JR HIGH / HIGH SCHOOL

Jump to high school. We moved to an actual neighborhood, so catching wild animals was pretty much over. I had to become more clever. The first ingenious plan- take the baby chicks from science class once that lesson was done. I told my mother it was part of the study...that we had to keep them at home. And shit, it worked. Those chickens lived in my room for a good three weeks before she found out I lied. I had to give them to a "farm". Looking back, I probably consumed them sometime later that week.

Easter - St Gregs used to have live animals at the Easter Mass. After the service was over, I stole a duckling and smuggled it into my house. I didn't realize how damn loud those things are.....I couldn't make up good enough stories to account for the quaking...I had to bring them back immediately.

Now, somehow, I convinced my parents that a pig would be the best pet in the world. A ton of begging and $800 later and Olivia joined our family. She was terrific...except her ass would hang over the litter box and our back yard ultimately began smelling like the Roger Williams Zoo elephant exhibit. She ended up at a "farm". Never DID get those pictures I asked for. hmmm....

ADULTHOOD

Something happened. Something entirely unexpected. My love of animals continued, however, my tolerance for them diminished. I began a vicious cycle of getting pets, and then, somehow, disposing of them. ( Clearly, a suppressed gene - maternally derived, became suddenly unsuppressed)

We'll begin with the parakeets, Yankee and Packer. I didn't realize how loud those things are when dawn cracks. Roosters have nothing on these little bastards. They made it a month before I found a nice Dominican woman to take them in. Later I found out that she had left them atop her refrigerator which threw off too much heat ultimately killing them. (she claimed one died first and the other died of a broken heart...you cant bullshit a bullshitter lady!)

The Rat. Later, to be know as "Rat Bastard". Supposedly a wonderful pocket pet for kids. He became violent...biting me every time I put food in his cage. I marched he rat ass back to Petco and told them if they didn't take him back, I would let him go on Route 2. They took him back.

The guinea pig (circa 1999). He was ok...a little messy. He died after a week. I had to bring him back to the store on account of their death policy. However, wasn't going to make a special trip. As such, he stayed in Matt's room for a solid three days prior to getting him back to Petco. I opted for a store credit this time.

Mans (Dave's) best friend: Allie...the basenji. Later, I determined that she must have been inbred given her condition at the time i decided to "opt out" of our relationship. She developed diabetes and chasing her around the yard collecting urine was not really my deal. Chaz (also basenji) came from Atlanta. Got him to keep Allie company. Little did I know what a liability he was....if escaped he would hunt neighborhood dogs with the intent on killing them. I found a place for both of them within a week of each other.

Spooky the cat, found in a dumpster by my neighbor. Matt was allergic at first. However, 6 weeks on zyrtec and a mild steroid and he had developed an immunity. (it does work, ya know)
We still have Spooky.

Sadie (the dog). I felt like something was missing without a dog. Maybe it was the lack of dog poop that had to be cleaned from the family room weekly....or the fur that consistently covered the couch. Anyway, Sadie is a beagle /shepherd mix. (there was a crime committed somewhere). I adopted her from a shelter. We still have Sadie, despite her digestive issue and constant stench of ear crap.

Oliver, the cat. Got for Ava for a Christmas present. Only after the kitten that I originally got a boot-leg pet store had mange and afflicted me ringworm on my chin. We still have Oliver.

Juicy the orange cat showed up on my doorstep...and the kids let him in. He was an OK cat, until he unilaterally decided to make my walk in closet his own personal litter box. It took several months, however, I found a nice home for him.

Julz....the newest kitten. A couple of months back, while in the pet store, I looked over and saw her staring at Emma. I saw this as a sign and adopted her spot on. So far, so good.

Now in between the dogs and cats there have been a series of rodent type pets as follows:

Gingerbread (hamster) Live the longest of all at 7 months. Died of Wet Butt.
Buttercup (hamster) Lived a couple of weeks before escaping only to be captured by Oliver...and witnessed by the children a horrific murder. He ultimately perished in my hands whilst the children screamed and cried in terror.
Sully - (hamster) Gave to Ava's friend who put him in a hamster ball...the ball accidentally went flying down the stairs and he died.
Pamda - (hamster) Escaped..lived for a few weeks in the house. Was also the victim of Oliver Jack (hamster) Escaped. Never was found
Victor (hamster) Escaped. Was the victim of Oliver

Now, if anyone has every purchased and animal, you need to fill out a form with all your personal information. Sometime after hamster #3, I was used alias'. (some of you may be on record as prior hamster owners at Petco and/or Petsmart. Sorry...and thanks)

Lastly, the guinea pigs. Sammy Cracker and Crumarty. Fairly easy pets. Sammy Cracker, however, was untouchable. Not friendly at all. About a month after having him, he was either dropped one to many time or developed Scurvy (a disease resulting from a lack of vitamin C). Sammy cracker developed a manner of walking in which his head was cricked to one side so as to always be looking at you with one crazy eye. He ultimately died from his injury/illness.
Crumarty lasted a long time. However, last week, he passed away. We think he had a stroke given his lack of movement on one side of his body during his last few hours. Currently, he is in a Target bag in the snow until we decide whether to bury him of put him in the trash.

Well, that's it. The significant animals. There have been some in between. As you can see...hoarder is not the appropriate term...however, there is definitely some sort of disorder here.....

I mentioned earlier that I would try and include a lesson. Today, there are several.
1. Caterpillars ARE NOT PETS
2. Don't throw rocks at rabbits
3. Hamsters and Cats don't mix.
4. Give your guinea pigs the recommended dosage of vitamin C


PS. Any remaining animals are always up for adoption for a reasonable adoption fee.