The Evolution of My Underwear Drawer

Underwear: Noun
Clothing worn next to the skin, under the outer clothes

Evolution: Noun
any process of formation or growth

SYNONYMS For Underwear:
Long Johns, Boxershorts, lingerie, panties, loincloth, corset, drawers


Why underwear as the topic of the day? It came to me yesterday, when I opened my underwear drawer (hereinafter referred to as "UD") only to find my undies of the month (usually depending on weight and or self esteem..and have really been the undies of the year) were all in the laundry.

I reached towards the waaayyyy back of the drawer to pull out a pair.....which were somewhat smaller than I normally wear. But I was in a pinch. After about 2 hours, I realized that I had made a horrible mistake. I don't know why it took me so long...I had been pulling at this damn underwear almost as soon as it hit my body. I am sure you are visualizing me with an enormous wedgie...but that was not the problem (currently, I am the "boy short" type. My only backside issues are more relative to plumbers crack). It was my legs. More specifically, my upper (upper) thighs. The circulation was being cut off at the top of the thigh. I imagine this is what a tourniquet must feel like when required due to a major stab wound to the femoral artery.

Unfortunately, I was in a store. Momentarily, I thought about smuggling a more suitable pair into the dressing room and slipping my current pair off. Oddly, my morality kicked in only after I realized that worrying about the old pair falling out of my purse while stumbling for my wallet was probably NOT what should preclude me from trying this little stunt.

As soon as I got home, I dis-pantied. (i like to make up words). My only other option was a ginormous pair I had purchased in anticipation of the healing of my c-section scar. A pair that, when I bought them, my daughter made a face and asked "weren't you embarrassed to pay for these?" Yes. Yes I was. The top of this pair reached approximately 2 inches above my navel.

I also began thinking about all the underwear that I am forced to look at...the woman is who is bending down to pick up her child and her g string is midway up her back. Why? What does she know that I don't? Nothing. Its what I know that SHE doesn't.

My idea on underwear goes back several years. I was in my office ladies room when I spotted a red sequin on the floor. No one was wearing sequins...at least not on the OUTSIDE! I snatched it up and swiftly confronted the young 20 something girls who worked for me. At the risk of breaking some human resources rule, I felt it more important to teach these young, impressionable ladies the dangers of non-cotton items so close to your lady parts. I emphatically explained that those pretty, seemingly innocent sequins could very possible contain lead paint, leaving them barren for the rest of their lives! ( I know, I know, it's times like this that make one realize why I make such a great mother)

Back on track. My UD is set up in sections. I arranged it this way after deciding it was time to clean out the pairs that were pre 1999. (which, by the way, was the year I was married). I realized how far I had come in the undergarment department since the ring was slipped on my finger.

I believe my collection tallied close to 70 pairs. (and is second only to my bathing suit collection)

These included many pairs of thongs. We'll refer to them as the "Floss Group" There was a brief period of time that I was strictly a thong girl. They went best with my "Dance Fever" type leggings that I donned to the gym everyday.

I suppose some may feel that there is still a need for one to keep member of the "Floss Group", however, I don't buy...or agree with it. Frankly, I consider them a health hazard and could very well be contributing to the funding of the hemmoroidal cream industry. (well, along with pregnancy anyway). WOMEN: If you want to wear a thong, do it when you are confident that they will only be on you for no more than an hour. (valentines day or your anniversary)

The next group to go was the "Lace Group". Yes, they make a woman feel sexy I suppose. But is it worth the itch? I think not. Lace is not good for anybody down there. "Feeling" sexy isn't going to cut it when you're trying to look cute in a bar and you're looking like a football player with a bad case of jock itch.

The "Time of the Month Group" (a/k/a TOM). This group consisted of big, granny pants. Its 2010. Woman have been liberated and the feminine product industry has come a long way....we are no longer forced to wear large lady diapers. Therefore, we need not underwear to accommodate such baggage.

Now that this has been taken care, something has to be done with the lucky few that will be kept in my drawer.

(I am not ashamed to say, that I have kept one or two pairs from the above mentioned groups....but only with good reason.)

The drawer has been fashioned into sections.

Back left corner. Size small. Everyday Undies. (this section has not been disturbed since October, 2008. ) I hope to be able to utilize this section in the near future without the fear of losing a leg.

Back right corner: Size small. Special occasion. (maybe a thong,or lace....just in case commando is definitely out of the question,) I did however, keep my wedding underwear. Call me sentimental.


Front left corner. Ones that actually fit. Most resemble something you may find in the drawer of a 10 year old boy. Judge me if you want, but at this time of my life....well....thats just the way it is!

The remainder of the drawer is filled with belts. I never said I was great at organizing.

There it is. The evolution from pre marriage to post marriage with children. I realized that uncomfortable, hemmoroid causing, jock itch seeming panties do not make ME feel or be sexy.

If I need to feel sexy, I'll throw on a pair of heels and call it a day.