My ARCH Enemy

Eyebrows. There are many features we woman pay attention to. However, the eyebrows are definitely at the top of the list. I don't know about anyone else, but I notice ones eyebrows even before the smile.

Nowadays, it is entirely unnecessary for a person to go around looking like Bert (Sesame Street) , or worse, as if a woolly bear caterpillar climbed its way out of my sand bucket and plastered itself on their forehead.

It is very important to find someone good to do your eyebrows. When you think about it, you are trusting someone to lather hot wax, centimeters above your eyeballs. You need to be fully aware that you are running the risk of becoming blind, or worse yet, looking like Whoopie Goldberg should your esthetician makes the tiniest mistakes.

I, myself, have walked out of the salon on several occasions with a bad brow job. There was the bald spot while I was on break and had to resort to filling in the spots with a black bic pen. Or the brows that were waxed so thin, that I ran to the drugstore, purchased those individual eyelashes, and attempted to fashion new eyebrows. It didn't work and what little eyebrows I had left were damaged by the lash glue. For a good few hours, my eyelid was sticking together... holding my eye open. With every blink, I looked like a had a facial tick on the right side of my face. Why didn't I just but an eyebrow pencil?

Now, it is no secret that I feel this way even about my own daughters eyebrows. Unfortunately, they were cursed with their fathers eyebrows...all three of them. If you can visualize, the brow grows almost to the lids of their eyes. All the "Samm" girls can attest to this curse.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE MAY DISTURB CERTAIN READERS (or people involved within the child welfare industry)

I began with Ava (Liza would NEVER agree to this anyway). Using a very small nose hair trimmer, I would gently snip the unruly hairs as close to the skin as I could. This worked for a while, when it occurred to me that it was no longer feasible.....I needed to convince her to let me pluck a few. Try plucking the brows of a 7 year old...not happening. So, I let it go.

I let it go, that is, until her first Father -Daughter Dance. She had a beautiful dress, and her hair is gorgeous. But the brows...I just couldn't let it go. I convinced her to let me wax them. I would fashion the room to resemble a spa. I laid a cozy blanket on the kitchen counter. Gave her a pillow...one for under her head and one for under her knees. I lit a candle. Told her to relax.

I heated the lavender cream wax to just the right temperature. I gently stirred it with the thin Popsicle stick provided. I cut the paper strip perfectly. "now, honey, relax. it will be over in just one minute." I gently spread the wax, carefully contouring the arch of her little browline. I applied the waxing strip.

What was to happen next was nothing but a pure fortuitous event. What I can only imagine happened, is that I must have applied just a tad too much wax...and when the pressure was applied to the strip, the wax was displaced upwards to catch the brow hairs that were meant to form her perfect brow.

On the count of three, I swiftly pulled the strip against the grain of the hair. My first instinct was to look at the strip. Holy Shit...that's a lot of hair. My eyes slowly, and unwantingly turned to Ava. Oh my God, Oh my God, oh my God. "What? What mom???" Umm....hold on, I'll be right back. Yes. You are imagining correctly. I had taken her entire eyebrow off with the exception of a little section closest to the bridge of her nose.

I ran to get my makeup bag. Eyeliner and eyeshadow would now be needed to create a new eyebrow. This was not as easy as you would think. I also had to create a similar look for the existing eyebrow.

It took my almost 30 minutes to get them just right. One would have to get close to her to notice, however, they were a bit thicker and darker than her natural brows. She was oddly OK with it. I whipped out an online picture of Brooks Shields from the 1980's to show that her new brows were in style. I had to instruct Dave to ensure that she did not dance to hard so as to break a sweat...less her new eyebrows would begin to stream down her face. I sent him with the eyeshadow just in case.

She came home after the dance. Most of the brow had disappeared. Before I asked her if she had fun, I asked if anyone said anything about her eyebrows. They did not.

I had to add a good 15 minuted to our morning for the next several weeks in order to make her eyebrows for school. Eventually, they grew back...with a vengeance.

We still look back on the dance photos and cannot help but laugh. I now use hair removal cream. When the time is right, I will take them to a professional.