THAT WAS MY VACATION? FML

Ahh....if we are lucky, we plan, budget, and look oh so forward to the much coveted vacation....


VACATION: NOUN

a period of suspension of work, study, or other activity, usually used for rest, recreation , or travel.


Now that we know what the word MEANS, any "vacation" with the terms "theme park" in it, should technically NOT be classified as vacation as it does NOT, I repeat NOT, fully encompass the above adjectives as described. (however, to be fair, the word "usually" was included before "rest"....similar to birth control statistics....99.9% effective, rather than 100% effective. They do this so as to avoid any possible legal ramifications.)

Samm Family Trip 2010 - Universal Studios, Orlando, Fla. - 5 nights

Lets begin with the packing. Now, I, in the past, allowed (and trusted) the girls to pack themselves. This, I learned, was not a good idea as Liza included 12 pairs of underwear, and no bathing suit. (we went on a two day mini-trip to a an indoor waterpark).

So, I stand guard and oversee the folding of 7 pairs of underwear, 5 pair shorts, 2 pairs of pants, 5 pair socks, 3 long sleeve shirts, 5 short sleeve shirts, 2 bathing suits and flip flops. I included a written list with check boxes so that NO mistakes could be made.

I did this for myself and the baby as well. I however, packed one pair of jeans, 2 sweatshirts, and several pair of sweatpants (which I have NO problems wearing in public). I also included 5 pair of underwear, my makeup, haircare products, lotions, etc. In my suitcase included all baby items as well. I packed all first aid items, snacks for the plane, etc. All was done 2 days prior to take off.
Now, I am a woman of little patience. When my husband was not packed by 10pm the night before departure, It hit a nerve...how can he be so lackadaisical when I get 5 people packed, and he only has to worry about himself (?)Maybe I was a bit anxious about flying with the baby.....

All goes well at the airport, except my suitcase was 4.5lbs over the limit before $50 bucks was charged. Hell no. I unzipped my bag and removed my makeup bag. Which, incidentally, weighed 4.5lbs. I tried desperately to squeeze it into Dave's bag....we had to sit on it to make it fit- which annoyed me further as only HIS stuff was in there.

OK, girls, lets all go to the bathroom before boarding the plane.

Ava: "I don't have to go...don't they have a bathroom on the plane?"
Me: "Umm, yes, but there is a possibility that the cabin pressure on the plane could cause your butt to be suctioned to the seat, and you would be stuck on the toilet for the whole ride"

OK, let get onto the plane. Southwest does not have assigned seating...we agreed Dave and Liza would sit together, and the baby, Ava, and I would sit together. (Emma was a lap passenger). That lasted all of 5 minutes before I was stuck with all three of them.

The flight has barely been in the air 10 minutes, and Liza and Ava were arguing, Emma was trying her best to crawl under the seat in front of her. I look to Dave for help and he is leisurely sipping on his Bloody Mary. I blacked out for a second and had a flash of pushing the emergency exit door open just enough to suck he and Mary out of the plane. Ok, I'm back. keep it together. We've got 3 hours on this thing.

Ok, we made it. We have made to sunny...err....cloudy Orlando? Holy Shit, its cold. Really cold. We get to the hard Rock Hotel. Its nice.... a lot nicer that the places we usually stay in. As I check in, the girls rush to the ladies room. They cannot get over the plush, round, leopard print sofa in the BATHROOM. They instruct me to take a photo, so I do. "umm, ma'am, you cannot take pictures in a ladies room!" a raspy voice says from around the corner. "Sorry..i didn't know anyone else was in here. My kids don't get out much".

We got to our room, unpacked and and changed. My $50 face lotion exploded in Dave's suitcase because of us having to sit on it. I could either be annoyed that I overpacked, or that Dave didn't have room. (Guess which I chose?)

Because of the temperature, we all had to put on sweatpants and sweatshirts. The walk to the park was approximately 7 minutes. We walked a pathway alongside a waterway. As the kids ran ahead, I shouted to them that at any moment, an alligator could thrust forward, from the water, through he brush, and easily snatch their little bodies. (they would not run onward again)

Ahh...the gates to the THEME PARK. Emma, at this point, it pretty much spent. So am I. My first goal is to get to JAWS. I have been telling my kids for years, that the shark they keep in the lagoon is real, and sometimes you may see it, and sometimes you may not. And that in the 20 years the ride has been open, there has only been one arm amputation. Obviously, Liza refused to go on the ride (at first, anyway).

We did the best we could switching off with Emma, but inevitably, I ended up chasing her most of the time. Dave and Ava would go on to hit every roller coaster, death drop, etc. in the park.

At night, we went to what is referred to as City Walk, and is comprised of clubs, restaurants, and stores. We were there for about an hour before I noticed we were one child short. Liza was nowhere to be found. A nice gentleman told us that he "gave" a little girl with a giant lolly pop and braids to a security guard and asked if she was mine. ( I swear, I only hesitated for a millisecond before answering...not an entire minute...honest)

We found guest services. There were two little girls sitting their crying. One was about 10. (the other was Liza). I quickly, and to the best of my ability, looked over the older child and attempted to size her up. She looked well put together- her clothes matched. She probably came from a good family. Ugh, that ones mine...as I pointed to Liza. She came running to me and was obviously devastated by what had happened.

They next few days proved to be even colder. I had purchased a sweatshirt that I would go on to wear every day (it was black, and unlike the gray one I had packed, didn't show the shmutz consistently left by Emma). I mostly had to wear the same sweatpants as well. It is only embarrassing to the point that each days photos, I am wearing the same outfit).

What's worse, is that I, yes, I, did not pack enough underwear. I didn't take into account, that after showering or swimming, new underwear is required. By day 4, I had to make a decision - Commando, or old underwear worn inside out. (I'll leave this one to your imaginations).

I retired to the room early with Emma most nights. Dave spent his nights in the bar by the pool. I spyed on him with my super camera lens...as our room had an incredible view of the pool area. I took pictures of him talking to the waitress and each drink he was served. (wow...that seems crazy as I "say" it...although it seemed like simple ammo to "bitch" at the time)

Last day, I decided to go on an inside roller coaster, ( because I was assured it was not scary). It was not...except for the fact that it takes off at 0 - 80mph in 2.5 seconds - backwards- and them comes to an abrupt stop. Well, there goes my back. F**k!

I am ready to come home. I had no sun, no relaxing. I did have two beers on two separate occasions. The kids had fun. I got crapped on by a finch in a pizza restaurant.

The flight home was delayed by one hour. While my aggravation was at its highest at the airport, Liza would not stop putting her "tooth hanging from a string" in my face...she was forcing me to touch it...it was bloody and gross. Finally, I had to tell her that they did not allow teeth on the plane unless there were attached to your gums.

The flight was bumpy and Emma didn't sleep. I am happy to be home, with clean underwear and clothes. Tomorrow I will leave for the supermarket (and by supermarket, I mean Chinese nail salon where I will not return for many, many hours.)