My Milkshake Brings all the Boys to the Yard...

.......And when I say "boys", I mean one very stubborn 11 month old girl who can suck the chrome off a fender, and when I say "milkshake", I mean more like "breast milk". (unless I've been playing dance party in the living room before dinner, then its kind of like a milkshake) and lastly, when I say "yard", I am referring to "under my shirt and in my bra".

I want to make it unequivocally clear that I love this baby to death, and she and I are like Siamese twins (it that PC? should I say conjoined twins?)

That said, it is no secret that her arrival into my barricaded womb left me less than thrilled. The last time I was surprised like that was when I walked into my house to my brother gleefully cheering "SURPRISE!! YOUR GOLDFISH DIED!" (I was 7)

Never, ever, in a million years did I think I would be a nursing mother...at least not for more than a couple of weeks. No, I had it all planned out. I had already told everyone to nix the baby gifts and bring me cigarettes in the hospital. I would save them for a months or so, until I could get back to the normal "me" and after building up this baby's immunity a bit. (by the way, nobody took me seriously...I got NO cigarettes....and I had been entirely sincere in my request)

Emma is eleven months old to the day... and I don't know how this happened, but I am still nursing her. (I still have not had a cigarette, by the way)

There are definitely pros and cons to breastfeeding. The cost of formula these days is about $30 to $40 bucks per week. That alone has saved me about $350 thus far. Then, there is the convenience...I have never had to worry about packing bottles, heating them up, etc.

Ok, now that we have a couple of the practical pro's down, lets get to the real benefits.

The boobs. At first, it was like an instant boob job without the cost or the surgery. That first day, I literally could not believe these things that had appeared where my once negative A cups used to dwell. I actually took a photo with my phone and picture texted my new "friends" to most of the names in my contact list which included the caption "like my new porn boobs"?
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Next, laziness. Some also may call this convenience, but I'll be honest, I am lazy in the middle of the night....most people would be. The fact that I never had to get out of bed to feed Emma during the night was a definite plus. In fact, just the other night I, in my own head, I took it a step further...or at least I wished I could have. I was laying on my back, asleep, when Em began to whine for her boob. I awakened. Lying in the dark, I wished that my boobs were big enough to fall to the side, whereas I could stay asleep on my back, and Em could make her way to the buffet which would be lying on the bed for the taking.

Lastly, and this is rare, but lets face it....in a pinch, or an emergency, one would do anything for survival. There has been TWO occasions when there was no milk or cream in my refrigerator and my morning coffee was made...and I am NOT a black coffee kind of woman. (c'mon, you can gasp in horror if you'd like, but there were actually people who ate their friends after a horrendous plane crash.....does that add perspective??)

As far as the cons, the first would be modesty. For the first couple of weeks I bought into the fact that I had to buy those nursing covers, purchase special shirts, or have to leave the room every time the baby had to eat. That didn't last long. After a few weeks, I thought "screw this". At this time, pretty much everyone I know has seen my nipples at one time or another.
However, these are not my "real" boobs. I assure you, if I flashed you prior to this particular time in my life, you would need a magnifying glass just to see what it was you were actually glancing at.

No, I lift my shirt, pull over my bra and feed Emma whenever necessary. (and I made sure to familiarize myself with state law concerning this just in case any idiot decided to make an ignorant statement regarding the issue) Its not like I am exposing myself....usually, you wouldn't even know what I am doing.

This whole deal is getting a little dragging on me. And what's worse, is that those wonderful, full C cups have dissipated....for some reason, your breasts regulate and go back to their normal looking selves....except with the fact that they can shoot milk across the room (and I have used this super talent several times...its like I have my own built in water gun)

Another inconvenient oddity is that my lactation reflex has developed to unleash itself at odd times. Any change in emotion causes a trickle..or worse. A sudden burst of happiness, sadness, worry....just about anything. Yesterday, I was in Exam Room#3 (again), the Dr. was
preparing to remove a few holy moly's. I lay there on the table -bare chested (as my bra impeded the work space). All of a sudden, like Bonzais Rocket Blast Sprinkler (Target 19.99), my guns were released. I quickly reached for my gown and began applying pressure. "Sorry", and I explained my phenomena. Thank goodness she was pregnant less I be much more embarrassed.
Emma has also learned how to get to her "drink". She attempts to undress me whenever she feels like it. She has no sense of what is and is not appropriate and wants a sip at the most inopportune times. My boobs have been outed on more than one occasion in public because of her violations against me.

She also is bored of the normal cradle hold position. When she is latched on, she contorts her body in all sorts of different positions. We have affectionately named one of her most entertaining position as the keg stand. Because that's exactly what it looks like...her legs and feet are literally over my head. Its a neat party trick.

Emmas 1 year birthday is just around the corner and before she gives me a piercing where I don't want one, I need to begin weaning her. The problem, of course, it how to do this. She is far too young for me to explain to her that there was once baby in the African village of Entespopia who nursed to long. And because of this, her tongue swelled, turned black, and fell off, resulting in her nutrition having to be administered intravenously for the rest of her life. hmm...