Gag Me With a Spoon...

this post is rated PG-13 for graphic content. Keep a bucket handy.....

Ok, maybe not a spoon...unless it is covered in something smelly, or offensive in any way...and I look at it, or touch it, or smell it, or think about it...or...well, you get the point.

Any one who knows me, knows that I have the propensity to gag, dry heave, or otherwise throw up at the slightest thing. I have coined the word "vomituous" (adj. Vom - it - chu -ous)

Things that most people think may be "gross", I find utterly debilitating in a way that my stomach loses all control, and my throat begins a series of noises that one might expect to hear only from your clunker vehicle which has a faulty strut mount with a frozen bearing. (i threw that in to impress the guys).

This post will legitimately prove to be one of the hardest things I will do...for to get through it, I will need to NOT vomit on my computer keyboard whilst describing certain situations.

I'm not really sure when I became afflicted with this disease (ok, its not a disease...but it should be). When I was a kid, I involved myself with some pretty disgusting stuff. I dissected a frog on my tennis court. My dog would frequently leave dead groundhogs in the yard...I would take a stick, and examine it...the more flesh wounds the better...I would pick grape sized ticks off my dog, and stomp on them.....wait...my eyes are tearing up....

Sometime as a teenager, the gag reflex set in....not the kind that precludes me from brushing my tongue, or getting dental work, but the stomach to throat kind.

I remember being in the parking lot of a Dunkin Donuts. As I went to open the door, I stepped in spit.....I instantaneously began throwing up in the parking lot.....That was the beginning.

As I grew older, it only got worse. The simple mentioning of anything gross would start the process....

1. I hold my hand up and advise you to "stop" what it is you are saying, do, etc.
2 My hand goes over my mouth and I begin breathing similar to the lamaze method
3. My eyes begin to tear
4. I repeat "ok, ok, ok"

lastly, will either will it to pass, or begin the dry heaving. Either way, and for some odd reason, the ritual results in extreme joy to any witness. For some odd reason, those I associate with find my angst humorous. For example, when we first moved into our neighborhood, it took the neighborhood children no time at all to try and bait me with dog poop just to see me, an adult woman and mother, throw up on my lawn.

Most people ask how it is that I am able to take care of my babies with my disorder. God granted me the ability to clean dirty diapers. (of my own kids, not anyone elses) However, it stops there. I cannot do vomit, or boogers. Wiping an older child is a horrific torture that could ever be bestowed upon me. The worst experience I call recall was not quite one year ago. As i bent my daughter forward, who was sitting on the toilet, to wipe her, one of the worst gag episodes came upon me. I, for the most part, had learned to control the traveling up and out of my meals, I could not this time.

I instructed her to bend and tuck and to inch forward toward the front of the seat...I then proceeded to vomit behind her....just missing her back....with a unprecedented precision. As you can imagine, this was extremely traumatizing to her. Instead of apologizing for my actions, I did what any good therapist mother would do...i told her it was her own fault for not learning, or refusing to wipe at the age of 6. I have not had to wipe a "grown" child since. (sometimes the ends justifies the means..whether intentional or not).

It is also very difficult having animals. Even the best of pets will have accidents. If any of you have a dog, you will know that dog poop, even the smallest of it, will release an odor that has the ability to permeate a 20,000 sq ft., closed in area. As such, it is not something that I am able to cover with a paper towel...and leave. (you see, this is what I do to any kind of animal vomit...I cover it with a bunch of paper towels and avoid the area until Dave comes home).

One of the worst, and when it was most inopportune, when I was at work, auditing some files. I had just come back from grabbing lunch at Mcdonanlds. I sat at the conference table, and unwrapped my burger. I usually look at each bite. On bite #3, I noticed what you would think would be the LAST thing you would want to find on your food...yes, the dreaded pube...in my sandwich...as quick as the speed of light, I grabbed the waste paper basket and released the previously eaten burger and fries.....)totally skipping steps #4 from above. I would NEVER order from that (now closed) restaurant. ugh.

There are a myriad of subject matter that cause the vomituous behavior and include, but are not limited to :

Other peoples vomit, mucus of any kind, animal and people feces, rotten food, farts, bathroom odors, bad breath, pubes off the body, excessive coughing whereas I can hear juicy lungs, etc.

I cannot even repeat a disgusting story without gagging. Mostly everyone knows to avoid all of these types of things, however, there is always that one person in the group who has no idea, and proceeds to tell the story of how they had to tell their dental hygienist she had a huge bugger in her nose (you know who you are!). (umm..shouldn't she have been wearing a mask, anyway??) Luckily, there is also at least one person who DOES know, and warns the unsuspecting victim of my weak stomach.

So, if you are one of the lucky ones to have not had the privilege of witnessing the spectacle of the "gag and heave", I am sure it is only a matter of time before I am thrust into a room with green nosed children in front of you, and I apologize in advance. And if we shall never meet, consider yourself lucky.