The Patient is presenting with Rock Candy (?)

I am not normally a hypochondriac. I refuse to believe that I am capable of contracting any type of illness...that is, until, I actually GET sick.

I don't have a "Physical "doctor, per say. Rather, I am a frequent patient of "WebMd". (afterall, my obgyn was sick of writing my scripts for shit that had nothing to do with my lady parts) Most illness, anyway, are viral, and require no course of antibiotic. (I learned that on the Internet, as well). So why should I give my HMO the benefit of my $20 copay?

I'll tell you why. Because over the past several years I have diagnosed myself with Lupus at least a dozen times.

I don't know if you are aware, but Lupus is a very serious disease...a disease, however, that presents with just about every symptom you can come up with. There is a web site with what they call a symptom checker:

- fever, weight loss, fatigue? Lupus
- No fever, weight gain, energy? Lupus
- yellowing of the eyes, cough, runny nose, upset stomach diarrhea - Lupus

See my point? Normally, this would not be such a big deal....except for the last diagnosis. I was sick....really sick. Falling asleep at my desk. Unable to concentrate, vomiting. I would come home and literally crawl up my stairs to my bed every night....I would lay there, in the dark, and imagine how lucky normal people were...to go out and live their lives while I was lying here, in my bed, day in and day out. Unable to care for my children....dying of Lupus.

It got to the point where I had to find a "real" doctor. This proved very difficult for me. I had very specific guidelines as to who I would take on as my physician ( which I will not reveal as would make me seem like a sexist racist)

After approximately one week of searching, I found a Dr. that met 2 out of my 3 criteria. Upon my visit, I explained to her that I had Lupus. She put her hand on my shoulder and apologized, told me that they would get me on the proper course of treatment, and asked why I was switching physicians.

"oh, well, my ...umm, current physician cannot really help me anymore...I mean, I cant really get medicine or anything...."

She seemed confused. "well, what was your doctors name?"

"web blah blah" I muddled under my breath.

"What? I am sorry...I didn't hear you "

"WEBMD" I blurted.

"Jennifer, how do you know you have Lupus?"

"Oh, I presented all the symptom in the self diagnosis chart"

She proceeded to give me the full work up. (i think she sneakily threw in some psych eval questions in there) She stated that my concerns were valid and admitted I didn't look well. I was gray, weak, and was experience weight gain...which, by the way, lead also to the second disease of hypothyroidism.

She sent me for a battery of blood work and an xray to check my crippling spine disease as well.

After about a week, I called the office. They explained that my test came back and I did NOT have Lupus, nor a thyroid condition.

That's weird. I was going to write a strongly worded letter to WEBMD, that's for damn sure. I may even pursue legal action. Diagnosing a person with a life threatening disease....I could at the very least, seek damages for pain and suffering.

Anyhoo, back to the drawing board. And my new doctor...Mayoclinic.com. I continued the search for what could possible be wrong with me.

I remember as if it were yesterday...sitting on my front porch. Coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other. Mayoclinic.com at my fingertips. It was a beautiful September day. The sound of the neighborhood children frolicking in the distance, and I, trying to soak up the beautifulness of the moment as I am dying of...well...something.

Then, the turning point, the climax, if you will. There was an itch in my bra. I thought perhaps there was a popcorn kernel stuck in my A cup, as was often the case. I went to fetch it out only to realize there was no popcorn at all...but rather, what appeared to be ..rock candy? But how would rock candy get in my bra? It wouldn't...unless my body was PRODUCING rock candy.

"No, stupid. Think. Think...use your expertise in self recognition of body idiosyncrasies...what would the narrator of TLC's "Medical Incredible" say?? " What could my body possibly be producing if not candy. (Although, for one brief moment, I thought of what my life could become if i COULD produce rock candy...I'd be famous..in Ripleys book even. Sorry. Off track.

I quickly got my googling fingers typing. Lo and behold....this couldn't be. Breast milk? That's weird. (the dried breast milk had a crystallized effect, in case you didn't figure that one out) I went back to Lupus and to my utmost surprise, breast milk was NOT a symptom. Hmm...if its not a symptom of lupus,..than..oh no. shit. no.

As quickly as I could grab my keys I ran to Walgreens. I naturally made a stop at Benjamin Moore, but all the colors were fusing together as I looked at them...you can imagine...given the mild stroke/aneurysm/seizure I was having. (the next law after texting while driving, is driving under the influence of an HPT)

Longer story long, and we all know what happened next, I ended up writing that 2 out of 3 doctor a strongly worded letter, as well as the intrauterine device corporation.

My work colleagues, who suffered through my Lupus woes with me day in and day out were shocked to here my news.

"People, If I could have minute of your time. I have been out ill a couple of days. The good news is...I don't have lupus. The bad news is....I don't have lupus. "

This followed with the reveal of a three month old fetal sonogram photo waving....or giving me the finger....we still aren't sure.