HORNY: adjective
definition: (vulgar slang); desirous of sexual activity
Ok, although this may be wildly inappropriate, it is nothing that anyone who reads this, or who BREATHES, has not thought of, discussed with friends, or thinks about. I'm just putting pen to paper here.
The cliche has always been men wanting sex, and their wives have a headache. Or, husbands creeping up on their wives, who then pretend to be asleep.
I attended the Movie "HALL PASS" the other night. Besides the fact that it was incredibly funny, I couldn't help but think that I related more to the men than the woman....at least as of late.
The premise of the film is that the wives inevitable catch their husbands leering at beautiful, young woman as they pass by, inevitably, leaving them to feel badly about themselves. They then decide, at the suggestion of a therapist friend, to give their men a "hall pass" from marriage for one week....you know, to get it out of their systems.
Let me insert a disclaimer here....its only fair:
My husband works hard all day, takes care of the kids at night, does homework duty, does dishes and laundry and keeps after the animal menagerie I have forced upon him.
Ok, now that Mr. Wonderful has been outed (hence making me look like a slacker) I will continue.
Back to me thinking like a man.
I have always taken a more masculine role, or what society may think is a more masculine role. I love athletics, I always thought I could beat people up, I really am not very maternal, and I thrive on being a tough guy.
Lately, the "man" in me has reared its ugly head in a new way. It is probably the fact that I lost the 800 lbs I put on over the winter and am feeling better about myself. Or maybe the fact that nature is setting in by way of the spring season being around the corner.
A friend suggested that It may be an increase in testosterone levels from building muscle? I don't know....but whatever it is, has turned me into a housewife version of Stifler.
Unfortunately, my husband and I are like two ships passing in the night. He comes home from work, I run out shortly thereafter. I come home and he is sleeping like a baby...with the baby. And honestly, you could throw a grenade down his pants, and if its between the hours of 10pm and 2am, he would not budge.
This has resulting in me taking my sexual frustration out on one of my girlfriends. (ha...not like that...I "sext" her my woes")
She is a good friend to "listen" and I think in some way finds it amusing. Actually offering to booty call my husband for me to tell him to wake up and go to bed. (this, after my texting to him was falling on deaf ears) Sometimes, Internet porn just doesn't cut it.
I have to resort to middle of night/ post 2am sexual assaults. This is all fine and dandy, except while he goes back to sleep within 30 seconds, (shocking) I am left wide awake for at least an hour.....thinking back to the reality that in a few short hours, I will no longer be hooker jen, but nursing, poop wiping, lunch packing mommy jen.
My husband should feel lucky, I think. However, I don't think he has caught on yet. The hanging out at home my tight workout pants (the cheap/thin ones) that show my thong isn't doing it. He is just too tired, has a headache, or pretends (actually is) to be asleep. I even went so far as to take an innapropriate camera phone picture...and ALMOST sent it to him. (it was very blurry hence making my ass look pretty good) This is NOT something that would have even occur to me in the past!
Moreover, going to the gym for me, is like him hanging at the Foxy Lady. I get to look at sweaty young muscle boys, and he gets to reap the benefits. At least he SHOULD (another reason I think I am more masculine.....they say woman are more into romance, sweet talk, yadda yadda. hell no....keep all that BS away from me. Its a total turnoff)
I think I am going to have to resort to a more direct approach. I may have to dig into the back of the drawer. Or the shoebox that has been collecting dust up in the closet. I may have to kill the children.
All I know, or that I pray, is that this is not some sort of sick joke bestowed upon me by the powers that be to get me pregnant.
(PS. In completing this entry, I am already longing for the fall of darkness...somebody get my the anti viagra...please)
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