The Mystery Ride Mayhem....

Anyone who knows us, knows of the "Mystery Rides".

Shortly after entering the world of the unemployed, I decided to take advantage of my time summer off with some good ole' fashioned family fun.

Rather than taking a full week of vacation time, Dave had decided to take every Friday off throughout the summer....these days would be known as "Mystery Ride Friday". I would chose a destination in New England, usually within a 2 hour car ride. Occasionally, we would do an overnight. The night before our trip, I would tape a list to the girls' bedroom detailing what they would need to pack (bathing suit, sneakers, warm clothes, etc). It was such a secret, they weren't even allowed to keep their eyes opened as we approached our destination (as they can now read.)

For example, they were not able to open their eyes until they were actually ABOARD the Block Island Ferry and opened their eyes only to me staring directly into the eyes of the Beluga whale at the aquarium.

It was so much fun, and provided such good memories that I had decided to extended "Mystery Rides" to extend year round...not every week, but at least once a school break or so.

It was Christmas break, and I had been dealing with some teenager related stress at home. Dave wasn't able to get away, however, I needed the break. I don't know why I thought taking the three girls away on a mystery ride......by myself.. over night... would be the break I needed, but I planned it just the same. It was going to be our "girls only" night. I packed a beauty bag full of nail polish, facial masks, candy and celebrity magazines and off we went. Destination: Boston. Agenda: Mall Shopping, dinner, mani/pedi & facials (give by each other in our room) swimming, and to throw a little education in there... the Boston Museum of Science.

The car ride there wasn't too bad...Emma, who mostly screams her head off in a car, slept most of the way.

We arrived at the hotel, checked into our room, and headed out to dinner. We did our girly stuff and went to bed. This was easy. Why was everyone making such a big deal about it? If Kate can do it with 8, I can certainly do it with 3...right?

We were in walking distance to the museum. Off we went. It was a balmy 32 degrees outside. Ava and Liza complained, and I had Emma buried against my body to keep her from freezing to death. I was pushing the stroller with one hand and holding her with the other. I hadn't anticipated the distance before hand.

Damn...there must have been 10,000+/- people there. It was a bit overwhelming.... and it WAS school vacation. Luckily, I had purchased my tickets at the hotel so I didn't have to wait in line.

About 20 minutes into the exhibits I remembered something. I hate the museum of science. Shit. Why did I do this. "Ok kids...lets make our way upstairs" (the chickens hatching is the one thing i DO enjoy...go figure.)

Emma needed to nurse. Luckily, there was a little monkey viewing area with stadium style seating. I parked myself and went at it. It took about 5 minuted before 4 snotty nosed kids were standing around staring at me. "Umm....I am not an exhibit...go find your parents" ...little jerks. I was so annoyed that I didn't notice Ava and Liza were missing. WTH. How am I going to find those kids in this craziness. I stood up, pulled my shirt down, and off we went. I figured they wouldn't leave the floor, so I focused my attention to the general vicinity of the chicks.

In my travels, I came across the human reproductive room. God, I hope to hell they did not enter here. What was I thinking? The entrance has a life like statue of a naked woman...and there are penis sketches on the wall. OF COURSE THIS IS WHERE THE LITTLE PERVS ARE!!

As I entered, I heard an all too familiar sound. Counting, panting, the sound of a woman straining, screaming. Oh God. Either TLC is on in the snack bar...or....

I entered the dark, circular viewing area to find a giant screen. With a giant vagina, and a giant head emerging from the giant vagina. I felt like I was going to pass out...but before I did, I glanced down to see Ava and Liza...eyes bulging, mouths open.

Lets go...right now! "but mom...mom.." I didn't want to cause a spectacle...nor did I want to get into this discussion at that moment.

I mean really, shouldn't they have an attendant...checking ID's or permission slips or something? Seriously, our children can't watch most 8 pm tv shows, but hey, show them some birth, and penis drawings on the wall and call it "science" and its no problem ??

After a couple of "stab me in the eye with a butter knife" hours getting educated, I was ready to leave. After all, it was New Years Eve day. (not that I had any big plans, but I figured we should be home to celebrate with the rest of the family)

I hadn't realized that it had begun to snow...and snow badly. It was bad enough that I contemplated staying the night. Nah...I had an SUV, it should be fine.

I knew it was going to be ugly when after 1.5 hours, I had only traveled about 2 miles...and hadn't made it to the highway. A woman aside of my was honking her horn with a vengeance. Cover your ears girls. I rolled down my window and yelled "Stop honking your fucking horn....no one can go anywhere". (Emma was sleeping at this point....and if that horn didn't wake her, my profanity wielding voice wouldn't have)

The kids were horrified. And I explained what adults were allowed to do when other adults were being unreasonable.

Another half hour, we had made it to the highway. Unfortunately, Emma had awakened and began her screaming. She wasn't letting up and it was making the rest of us unnerved. As soon as I could, I pulled off the highway. I had no idea where I was and could barely see. As I scanned the area, it was apparent we were not in a very good area. Emma was getting progressively more agitated to the point of actually choking herself. I was yelling at Ava to undo her belt and hold her.... I had no choice but to pull over and nurse her. There we were....in the projects...pulled over in my Lexus with my shirt half off and my kids crying in the backseat. I gave her enough to hold her over until I could get somewhere safer. There was, what appeared to be an Inn a couple of miles up. As I approached the building, I noticed a bunch of shady looking characters coming in and out of the building. Ava expressed her level and discomfort and I agreed. We went on our way, and after 15 minutes, came across a strip of storefronts which appeared to be open. I pulled up to the curb and unloaded my cranky crew. No sooner were we out of the car when a large, dirty black man came barrelling towards us shouting barely audible profanities. The girls grabbed my legs and my eyes teared a bit...we are not city folk and were most uneasy about the situation. The man passed and a quick lesson on both crack addiction and tourette syndrome was in order.

We ducked into the pizza store a few feet in front of us only to find a gaggle of even scarier people...one of which was staring at Ava like he hadn't had a meal in years and he was Hannibal Lector. Out of there we went, which, to our delight, was an Asian Nail Salon. Manicures for all.(except Emma...she just got more boob)

A young, fairly attractive girl was getting her nails done..so I naturally struck up a conversation with her. I was surprised that she was in such a neighborhood, but after a couple of minutes, I realized we were very close to Boston University. She explained that the "Inn" I stopped at was in actuality, a Homeless shelter. And that the characters I met on the street were residents of the shelter. Ahh...that explains A LOT. (I still didn't like it)

After about an hour, we decided to get back on track. We walked out of the salon, only to find crackhead/Tourette guy loitering over my car with his buddies. He obviously had some sort of lung disease as he was incessantly hurling spit OVER my vehicle.....completely freaking me and Liza out. I shamefully looked at the young girl and explained that my KIDS were a bit frightened and that we lived in typical suburbia. She offered to walk us to the car. I gladly accepted.

We were safely in and the snow seemed to be letting up. Thank goodness because I had no more snacks, 1 bar left on my cell phone and maybe one more diaper.

Approximately 4.5 hours later we arrived at home. I was tired and stressed to my limit. The kids were happy to be home.

When asked about their trip, they did not recall the wonderful mother/daughter bonding time in the hotel room. No. The highlights were, in no particular order:

1. Mommy yelling the F word at a stranger
2. A black man on drugs trying to attack us
3. A man trying to kidnap Ava in a pizza parlor
4. A man spitting on my car making mommy throw up
and last, but certainly not least....the giant vagina.

We will all remember the night mommy took her girls on a mystery ride....and we will laugh about our adventure. Happy F'ing New Year Kids.