Thursday, March 31, 2011

How to NOT get a job.

Since switching jobs from full time office slave, to fuller time mommy slave, I have gone back and forth as to whether I should, in fact, get a paying job. Mostly, when the weather is cold and wet or when I am shackled to the boob sucker do I most feel as if I need to get out and get a life.

For the most part, it has been a matter of want, and not need. Recently, however, the mortgage business has slowed, and financially, things have gotten a bit tight. As such, and so my husband literally does not die of a heart attack due to stress, I feel as if I should at least see what is out there.

As I perused the want ads on, I got increasingly light headed, and at one point I think I passed out due to anxiety. I have grown comfortable in my current position, especially since I began "working" at the gym. When I wanted a job, and not needed a job, I didn't have this feeling of angst.

After an hour or so of searching, I was having little luck finding something that tickled my fancy. It wasn't long after that did I realize that maybe I was being a bit to picky. I love to tell people that "beggars cant be chooser's". I am admittedly one of the worlds biggest hypocrites.

The only job that half way interested me was in pharmaceutical sales. I envisioned a job where I could wear sexy little suits, pretty makeup and flirt with doctors on my own schedule. And as a bonus, I could possibly write off my pending boob job as a business expense. I would schmooze and bullshit my way to success. I'm still waiting for the call back.

Next, and per the employment good fortune of a friend of mine, I decided to give craigslist a go. I specifically searched for "work at home" or "part time".

The first group of jobs were nothing but fast food, 3rd shift jobs. I remember back in the day being jealous of the burger king i drove up and paid for my burger and fries kids meal on my lunch break....and thinking her life must be so stress free. And just the other day, as I was driving though a dunkin donuts, a young employee was coming out the back door with a garbage can and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, and for a fleeting second, I was jealous of even her. No. I cannot go from waiting on four spoiled kids to waiting on hundreds of teenagers, stressed out moms, and business people who don't have time for a decent sit down meal at Olive Garden. Next.

Hmm.....looks interesting... a spa job. I like spas.

"PART TIME: New massage and spa seeking woman between the ages of 18 and 25 for all male clientele" (followed by a disclaimer that no sexual acts, or illegal or illicit behavior is allowed or expected at the establishment).

I missed the age cutoff on that one by a few years. Next.

AS I read on, I was ill qualified for almost every job

"PART TIME" Local animal shelter looking for responsible person to assist in daily operations.

NOPE. I need diversity and I basically live in an animal shelter.

"PART TIME" DAYCARE working for children ages 1 - 5.

Are you fucking kidding me? Have you not read half my blogs? I'd end up in prison for sure.

Then, I found something I think I really WOULD do. Egg donation. At 10 grand a pop I could make a killing and wouldn't have to change my life hardly at all. I mean, what would be more satisfying than getting paid to help create a bunch of little JENs? It would be like a cruel little joke on all the future husbands of the world, not to mention all the eventual little JEN offspring.

Then, the fine print. Maximum age : 30. No exceptions.

That's two jobs that exclude me due to my age. What the hell happened to the age discrimination law?

After that discouraging hour, I have decided to try and put off the job search.......all I really want is to try and stall through he summer, anyway. I can liquidate some assets if things get really financially difficult. (ie return the dozens of shit you people make fun of me for leaving tags on), and I can start making my own coffee....and I can stop the incessant shopping.

I am not above sacrifice. Hell, I can sell my milk to third world countries if It comes down to it. (wait, they buy it isn't something they expect donated??)

Lastly, if anyone is purchasing home, or wants to refinance, message me.


1 comment:

  1. seriously tell Dave to get on the horn and sell some loans before I am out of a job, too. Wait a second....maybe that wouldn't be so bad. Freaky Friday? Please?