Monday, March 28, 2011

Goodbye Sally and Brittney

Do you ever wonder if your kids are weird? I know, I know, seems harsh. Maybe weird is an inappropriate word to be used...especially coming from a mother. Different. Different seems better. (ok, lets be realistic. "Different" just sounds nicer than saying weird.

One of my children, to me, is a little "different". She has an imaginary friend named Sally. At first, I thought she was just playing around for the day...then I realized, after a couple of weeks, that "Sally" was here for the duration.

We have all seen how imaginary friends are portrayed on TV. You always take the side of the poor child who is lacking something in his or her life to feel the need to "create" an imaginary friend. We feel for the child, and want desperately to reach out to the tv parents and tell them why little Suzy feels she needs to make up friends.

I don't know why MY child needs Sally. She has friends, siblings, pets.....a life. Maybe its my fault for not liking to administer physical affection. Or my all to often use of the F word. Either way, Sally was here.

At first, it was annoying, as she insisted Sally be included and "spoken" to as she were, in fact, in the home. I even had to make her a plate of food at mealtime. After a couple of days, however, I figured out how I could use Sally to my benefit...and make her leave. (I have enough kids...I really didnt need another one)

I mean, I could basically do and say all the things I wanted to "Sally" without any DCYF ramification, right? Soon, poor Sally became the recipient of a little bit of child abuse. Sally had gotten sat on, pillow smothered, her hands caught in door jams, etc. It was mean, but eventually, caused Sally to run away. ( I'm assuming she ended up in a shelter.)

More importantly, she proved to be a good poster child for subservient behavior.

Not long after Sally "went away", Brittney entered the picture. I heard my daughter speak Brittney's name on several occasions, however, out of fear of feeding the fire, I ignored it...and refused to ask who "Brittney" was.

Of course, I couldn't go on....I had to ask. Despite the annoyance of another imaginary friend, I had to find out if Sally had been replaced. It was worse than I thought. Even though I had thought imaginary friends were weird, at least I knew they were a bit normal. But this, this DEFINITELY constituted being referred to as "weird".

You see, "Brittney" is a wart on the upper right portion of my daughters forearm. Yes...she has a wart, and named her Brittney. She likes her.

I explained that she could NEVER EVER tell anyone that she named her wart. It was too late. Apparently, she has introduced Brittney to all of her friends. This, for sure, would get her a lonely spot in the lunchroom.

I told my daughter that we had to make Brittney go away, and gave her the choice of freezing, or a good old fashion lancing. (I would've let it go for a while....but she began drawing a body around Brittney. So you see, I am trying to save my daughter from being beaten in the school yard....or in her own home)

This caused much dismay. There have been tears, name calling, and tantrums over the inevitable demise of Brittney.

I had to pull out my best mothering tactics for this one. Two nights ago, when my daughter and Brittney slept soundly in bed, I swiftly, and stealthily sneaked in to deliver a note:

"Dear Brittney, you must leave immediately. I know that you are evil and will soon begin to multiply....and love to have your sisters live on faces rather than arms. I don't want my best friend covered in little Brittney's. Even though it is safer for me to live where I live, I still love my bestest friend. Let the mom take you to a dr or I will come and get you myself....and It will hurt!

Love, SALLY"

I'm a genius. We have a dermatologist appointment next week. (and a therapist appointment the following week)

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