Olivia (Animal Hoarding, Part 23)

Its been a while, although I don't know why...my life certainly hasn't let up any. If anything, it has gotten a bit more hectic of late.

I am sitting here in a dark room, lit only by the lights that adorn my fake Christmas tree. Well, three quarters worth of lights, anyway. You see, the bottom half was destroyed..eaten actually, by Olivia.

As many of you may have heard, there is a new member in my family. Her name is Olivia...a name that took two days to come up with. Olivia (a/k/a Liv, Livers, Baby)is a wonderfully mischievous little 6 month old piglet that I adopted (ok, spent a negotiated $850 on) nine days ago.

Whom you ask, in their right mind, would bring a pig home (hello??????) Ava (10) asked for nothing more than a puppy for Christmas. I came dangerously close to purchasing a long haired Chihuahua a couple of weeks ago during Emma and my weekly field trip to the pet store. It was there that a couple was standing next to us and we began talking. Not caring that they would think me gross, I explained how I had been wanting a mini pig for some time. They mentioned that they had seen an ad on craigslist several months ago, however, it had been gone for a while.

The super sleuth in me took about 5 minutes before I located who would ultimately be my pig broker. Her name was Erin and she owned a little pet store. She had limited information for me except that she could have the piglets in her possession in three days if I wanted to come and take a look see. Are you kidding? The plans to make the 30 minute drive were being made in my head before I hit the end button on my cell phone. More importantly, what and how would I tell Dave. (Eh...I pretty much bought a house before telling him, so in all actuality, this wouldn't really be that bad)

I made the decision to tell him that i was just going to "look" at piglets. For 2 days he asked the same questions....where do they go to the bathroom, where do they sleep, how do they act...etc. Regardless of how many times he asked the same questions, I simply kept my cool and answered "Dave...it is just like a dog or cat...except its a pig" A concept he could simply not grasp. This is what I convinced Ava of as well, as her dreams of a puppy had been crushed by my own pig dreams. (in my defense, since the day I got married, I had made NO secret about my eventual pig ownership)

The day arrived. In one way I wanted Dave to come so that he could understand... on the other hand, I knew he would be a negative energy, so when he got a better offer for the afternoon, I was secretly relieved.

I packed the rest of the family in the car, including my friend (as I needed another adult to confer with). It took approximately 35 minutes before we arrived at the location. We all jumped out of the car with anticipation.

As we entered the store, three piglets went running across the room...they were smaller than Spooky (my cat). They were grunting and running...and skiddish. I flashed back to my teen years when I loved Olivia, my first piglet whom I loved. I had forgotten how cute they were and how much I really liked them.

We spent a good half hour there, however, it only took 30 seconds before I knew one would be mine. There was a plumpy black girl with a white blaze on her nose, a pink boy who did nothing but feverishly hump the store owners leg, and Olivia...who was the smallest...black with white legs. (sort of like me in the summer)
(I wont lie, I chose the girl with the white blaze...however, her price was less negotiable.)

Erin informed me it was a cash deal. I told her I had to get to the bank, get some stuff together, and call her with a time I would be back for her. It seriously felt as if I were buying an illegal child on the black market. Obviously, with my personality, I wasn't halfway home before I knew I was going to get to the bank and go back immediately. I dropped the girls off. Dave was not home. I told them I had to run to the market. Matt and I grabbed a cat carrier, a blanket and a withdrawal slip and off we went.

While in the store, I was getting the necessities. Food, a crate, pee pee pads. The little pink boy was being overly rambunctious. Before I knew it, he was violating my new baby. Matt and I literally watched a rape...an incestuous one at that. I yelled at Matt to do something...he chased the boy off her and Erin apologized. Really? I was seriously pissed....and felt like I needed to take her to my feelings doctor...or pop a xanax in her feed.

We drove home...and I could hardly believe that I had a pig in the car. Next, was getting her in the house as inconspicuously as possible. I somewhat wanted Dave to miss the fact that there was a pig in the house. Moreover, I was afraid my parents would find out. What had I gotten myself into. Either my parents or my husband was going to kill me. Then I remembered that I am a grown woman and I can do what I want. (right?)

I got the crate with Liv in it, up the porch stairs and plopped her in the living room. The girls were hysterical. "Is Daddy home?" I asked. Yup.

I heard the footsteps coming. All I heard was "You're kidding right....there is not a pig in here...right?". Ummm......I opened the cage and out she flew like a bat out of hell. Her little hooves slipping and sliding on the hardwood floors. Not anticipated was the fact that Dave, in addition to being a bit pissed, would be scared of her. This just added the cherry on top of the ice cream in MY eyes. It was like a funny little bonus. By the end of the night, he loved her too.

The first night was hairy (no pun intended). Although we could not pet her, she had made her safe place under the kitchen table and as night came, it was apparent she wanted a warm body to sleep next to. Being the loving person I am, I curled up on the blanket to lay with her until she was asleep (this was after I had nursed Emma to bed) Matt's girlfriend passed and thought it odd that I was not with Emma. As she asked "are you still breastfeeding Emma", my tired brain thought she was suggesting that I nurse the pig. Lines, Ashley, I have lines. (not many...but some)

It took several days for Olivia and I to get accustomed to one another. I quickly learned that she was not pee pee pad trained, as otherwise told to me. However, unlike the rest of the animals in the house, I have to clean up after her given the circumstances of her arrival here. In doing so, I nonchalantly vomit behind every pig shit I pick up and dispose of. While disgusting as it sounds, I have learned to accept that if anything, I may shed a few pounds until I get her outside trained.
I quickly learned that in addition to being highly intelligent (4th in the animal world) and clean, naughty and busy were also on the top of the list. I immediately felt as if I had cloned Emma...I now have two toddlers to contend with. Both Emma and Olivia get into similar trouble, and both loiter at my feet like hookers at the free clinic. Cupboards are overturned, plugs pulled from walls, paper shredded..... and than the xanax kicks in and I can deal with the two of them like a reasonable adult.

Unfortunately, we only had her for 6 days before we were to leave on a 4 day vacation. A pig sitter was needed and a good friend kindly offered. I gave instructions to the best of my ability. Although I don't think the terrorizing nature of Liv was anticipated. With every check in call Olivia had gotten into some new, and damaging trouble. I couldn't apologize more.

During the last check in call, my friend informed my that she had a nurse friend of her come for a visit. This woman explained that she suspected that Olivia was with piglets. Are you fucking kidding me? (response #1). Hmm....If I got a $1000 a pop, I could make cake (response #2) Wait, will the piglets be special needs considering there dad is there uncle? (response #3)

I had 3 hours to ponder the situation during which time the kids were excited, Dave was SUPER pissed (even though I told him I could birth the piglets in my bathtub and it would be fine) and I had called and made an appointment with a vet ASAP.

I texted a couple of friends in a panic...one of which said she was going to send the "I think my pig is pregnant" text to " textfromlastnight.com". I called my dad in a panic...he hung up on me. I am thinking of buying an EPT and holding it in her urine stream tomorrow. I don't know if it will work though. So, this could either be the end of the story or a the beginning of the TLC/Animal Planet segment of the blog.

In closing, I feel I can only grow from this experience. I can now imagine how Sara Palin felt. And as one person said, I can now add "pig farmer/breeder" to my resume. ( I needed some diversity, anyway) Stay tuned.