Friday, May 20, 2011

Run, Forrest, Run

I have recently began to run. I had always thought I hated running. Long distance, anyway. In high school, I had a brief stint on the track team, however, could only manage to sprint. I think it was the fact that I was mostly hung over, and my lungs were tarred tight from all the marlboros.

Anyway, the "new" , older and wiser Jen doesn't really drink, and hasn't had a cigarette since September 13, 2008. (although, every day I think I am going to start having 2 every Sunday night as a reward for whatever...and a diet coke)

During my fist run, I was concerned that I wouldn't make it to the end of a long street in my neighborhood. My husband and girls rode their bikes with me. My neighbor was getting ready for his run at the same time and offered to coach me along.

I did very well. I managed to get three miles in with no cramping, or shortness of breath. It was nice....even though Emma, with her minimal language skills, managed to continually to turn to me from her bike seat and proclaim " get hit by car?" every 5 minutes or so.

After that run, I was anxious to do it again. However, the weather has not been optimal, and I have been forced to use the treadmill at the gym....which stunts my training as my ADD doesn't not allow me to be stationary for more than 15 minutes or so...which is equal to about 1.5 miles.

Last night, it was fairly warm. I had texted a few people whom I know run to see if they wanted to join me. This proved unsuccessful. As such, I was forced to run a solo mission.

I geared up, tucked my ipod securely in my sports bra, and off I went. (at least something was in my bra)

I was to run the same route that I ran during the first run. At about the ten minute minute mark, it was time turn cross the main street, and veer off into the first major neighborhood.

What I hadn't realized during my first run on this route, was that prior to hitting the suburban section of the neighborhood, there was a super long stretch of woods.

In case you were not aware, I have an incredible fear of being murdered. I had always thought, since very young, that this was my fate. I am sure it is a direct result of all the horror films I watched as a preteen. I seriously cannot be in a public restroom alone due to the fear of "candyman".

At first, I wasn't thinking about it....and actually, was a little glad. I had made the mistake of wearing a thong that was a tinge too big. A too big thong caused drooping, bunching, and moving in the crotch, in case you didn't know this. I was giving considerable thought to ducking into the woods to remove and bury it. Really, I was. Then I began to think a dog would dig it up and bring it home. DNA test would be run, and the news would report my murder. ironic, I know.

As I was thinking this, I noticed that I was running past a historical cemetery. I began to think that spirits were going to come an haunt me. Not two minutes later, my IPOD broke. Right in the middle of "Once Bitten Twice Shy". A continuous, loud buzzing of the could not be fixed...and I couldn't stop running to give it my full attention.

By this time, I was in deep fear mode. I was now alone with myself and my own irrational thoughts. No music to distract my mind. All I could think about now, was that a rapist/murder was going to dart out of the woods and drag me into the hollows of the brush. I began running a little faster, and like a wild animal that puffs out is chest in order to look a bit more threatening, a made fists with both of my hangs and flexed my arms a bit. Like, maybe the murderer would be afraid he wouldn't win my :fight-back"

Next, I started visualizing the fanny pack I would wear next time I ran alone (if there were a next time) It would look something like this:

1. Mace

2. A knife

3. An extra ipod

4. A cell phone

5. An extra pair of underwear

I also decided that I would wear brass knuckles too. I could kill two birds with one stone....give my arms a little more of a workout, and knock the shit out of whomever was stupid enough to attack me.

All of this distracted me enough that I managed to make it to the first house in the neighborhood...alive.

Another 15 or 20 minutes or so through this area, and I was again, found my self running alongside a wooded area.

This time, it was a bit worse. There was a body of water. A body of water, surrounded by woods can only mean one thing. Wild animals. Specifically, the black water moccasin was at the forefront of my mind.

I jumped to the middle of the road. I knew that if I had stayed on the sidewalk this snake would dart out and inject me with a venomous bite. Well, even if it wasn't venomous, there is no way I would be able to continue running with a snake bite...this I was sure.

After I passed the water, I remember a facebook post from a friend who was just running in the same area...and she mentioned a wild turkey. For some reason, I wasn't afraid of the wild turkeys. I was however, afraid of that these were victims of prey....prey that were hiding in the woods awaiting there next meal. Coyotes, Fox, you name it. I sped up, and began cheering myself on to persevere. "run, forrest, run" was all I could hear in my head. I wasn't far from houses once again.

I couldn't wait to get home. I almost wished someone I knew would drive by and pick me up. I wasn't physically tired, but I WAS mentally exhausted.

Luckily, I made it home.....unscathed by my adventure. The first thing I did was take off my underwear...and throw them in the garbage. The second thing I did was round up my girls and give a lesson as to why you never walk/run/or ride your bikes alone.

Today, I will be mapping out a new route for my next run....and purchasing a fanny pack.


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