I was not kidding, when, in an earlier post, I mentioned my 100+ bathing suits catalogued in ziploc baggies in my drawer. Further, on the front of each bag (of the separates anyway) there is a little drawn picture of the contents (illustrated by yours truly...in black sharpie). There is also the letter "T" for top or "B" for bottom.
I unleashed the baggies from there winter hideaway...and as they lay strewn amongst the dust bunny's on my floor, Emma played as if she were in a giant, wonderful ball pit.... (except it was a giant wonderful bathing suit baggie pit)
I began to make separate piles. Black. Brown. Tops. Bottoms. Sets. Halters. Bandeau..and so on.
Next...the scary part. Trying them on. Obviously, they all fit when they were purchased. However, my body is a bit altered due to the accident I had in July, 2008. Moreover, my winter was spent in part with a Twinkie hanging from my mouth at all times....sort of like my own oral tracheotomy tube. (I may be one of the few people who actually gained weight AFTER the birth of a baby)
I certainly have enough suits to get me through the summer...perhaps even enough to NOT duplicate. However, the recent new "curves" will result in a majority of them being left alone.....alone in their little, airless baggies. Tops are not the problem. I can make most of them fit..one way or the other. I cannot, however, cheat on the bottoms.
After about an hour of torturing Ava with the swimsuit fashion show, (yet another item for her to add to HER therapy issues) I had pretty much figured the weeks suits out.
I put thought into the suits I wear...not unlike most women, I imagine. There are several factors that go into the process.....is my mother going, is there anyone (like an old school rival) that I need to impress, will i be swimming in the ocean, etc.
Additionally, each day of the week constitutes a different "fit" of the suit. They are as follows:
MUFFIN TOP MONDAYS
Most people attend the beach during the weekend. As such, they use Monday as a recoup day -A day of catching up on laundry, giving the kids a rest, and so on.
As such, the beach will be the least crowded on a Monday (unless, of course, it is a Holiday Monday)
It is on these days, that I will don a suit in which the bottom is a bit tight, resulting in the all to well known "muffin top".
TUBE TOP TUESDAYS
Most of my suits are halter style...and I'm not ashamed...these days, the girls need a lift..and before I inject them with silicone or saline, halter suits are the summer solution to a good hoist.
As such, after 3 plus days of this style, the tan lines tend to get a bit significant.
It is this reason that tube top (a/k/a Bandeau) suits are necessary...to attempt to fill in the faint white tan lines with a bit of color.
WOOSHIE WEDNESDAYS(wooshie - the female nether region)
This is simple - straight forward. It is by Wednesday, the the "Beachy Clean" of Saturday morning has grown in a bit. In order to avoid a mid week slashing, Wednesdays suit is usually skirted. The End.
THONGY THURSDAYS
I do not actually wear a thong (refer to the evolution of my underwear drawer). However, my ass seems to disagree with my brain and is constantly sucking the elastin (which is made to HOLD the rear end of my bathing suit) up into my grill.
HOWEVER, on thongy Thursday, I have been forced into a shave and will once again wear an unskirted suit. Thursdays are not generally crowded, either. I will once again wear a suit that MAY be a little small on the bottom. It is on this day that I choose to wear a bottom that displays a little bit of my butt cheeks. My reasoning for doing this AT ALL is because...lets face it...even when it is NOT thongy Thursday, wedgies are unavoidable. And I would rather have a couple of tanned cheeks, than blinding white ones.
Fuggedaboutit FRIDAYS
I leave Fridays open. I am usually exhausted and throw caution to the wind. All suits are eligible on this day. I may even wear a tankini on a Friday...to give my stomach a rest from all of Monday through Thursdays sucking in.
SEXY SATURDAYS
Saturdays are when most people go to the beach. "Sexy" may not be the best adjective, but in all honesty, I do try and wear my "better" suits. The girls need to locked and loaded, no butt chunk can be excessively hanging out there. But there needs to be a bit of flare to the suit.... You never know if you are going to run into an ex lover....or high school frenemy. Am I too old for Sexy Saturday..probably.
SUBDUED SUNDAYS
Sunday is, and will always be...Family Day. Although approximately 35 family member attend our beach, Sunday is the day when most of them attend at once. Subdued Sundays bathing suit is similar to Sexy Saturdays, without the extra effort of looking too good....I would probably wear a skirt on this day as well. My mother has an opinion so its just as well to look appropriate for my age, marital status and motherness.
Ridiculous, or plain genius......this is just more proof that I may need to get a job. Surfs Up.
No comments:
Post a Comment