Fever and Chills and Dead Birds, OH MY

I almost died last night...well at least that's the what is felt like. I was at Ava's softball game until about 7:30. It was cold. So when I got home and was still freezing, I assumed it was a lingering chill from being outside. I lay on the couch, covered in a snuggie, with a hot coffee until about 10pm. I had a sore throat as well...which had progressively gotten worse as the night went on. I scooped up the baby and proceeded to my bed...something I rarely do before 11pm.

Within about an hour, my throat had begun to swell...I didn't realize this until I tried to swallow, and there was so little room in my throat, that I had to force it down with a hard gulp. This in turn made me pee a little bit. (child bearing occupational hazard #53)

Next came the cold shivers. I was shaking so badly the entire bed was vibrating. I knew I had a fever as well. I was sweating along with the cold shakes. My entire body ached. Emma was laying aside me and I knew she was due to get up for her hourly dose of boob. I didn't feel like it.
Every so often, during the night, she begins the ritual "eh..eh...eh" her mouth opens and her heads begins to shake back and forth looking for her fix.

I lay there, thinking about baby birds...how they chirp for their mothers to drop food into their tiny beaks. I started thinking that I would rather forage for worms than nurse this kid all night in my condition.

I needed to get up and find a thermometer....just to see HOW sick I was. I couldn't get myself up. Finally, I had to pee so badly. The walk to my bathroom is amount 10 feet and another 5 or so to the toilet. I barely made it. My body was weak and I felt delirious.

I made a pitstop at the closery and found a thermometer. Not the one I wanted, however. This was a rectal thermometer. I pondered the ramifications of using a rectal thermometer in my mouth and decided I didn't care. I mean, how bad could infant fecal matter be (?) This thermometer was not like a normal one. It is short, and round. The part that gets inserted is only about an inch and a half long (which is clearly ingenious of the manufacturer). I quickly learned that what is good for the butt is not good for the mouth. (clearly a line you have NEVER heard before). It was difficult to keep the little metal tip under my tongue without holding the round end firmly in my hands. As I sat on the toilet, I noticed the toilet paper had somehow made it to the floor. I had to reach for it and somehow keep the thermometer in my mouth. I grasped the bulbous part with my teeth and held on tight...this nearly gagged me.

It worked and the beep went off. It read 102.3. I wasn't sure if if it were accurate so I mustered up the energy to grab the laptop and google "oral temperature with rectal thermometer". Hard to believe there was nothing on the subject.

Back to bed I went, this time wrapped in my biggest, warmest robe. It is now about 2am. I was still freezing. I had started thinking that this is why God gave us mothers. I needed someone to rub my hair. Bring my water to keep me hydrated. Put two little white pills in my hands and tell me it will be alright.

Just then, I heard the pitter patter of little feet. Per usual, Liza was on her way to my room. "Liza...liza..are you awake? I am very sick and I need medicine". She looked at me with crazy eyes and mentioned something about oatmeal. She was sleep- walking so I let her be. She crawled into my bed. Great.

I lay there, still delirious. It's funny what the mind thinks of as you lay in the night, alone, sick. I thought about writing an autobiographical book about all the people who screwed me over in life...how I would detail every little horrible thing about them. The evil thoughts that were rushing throught my brain were hardly recognizable as I am normally such a good, Christian person. (smile). I even came up with my pen name. (which I cannot divulge at this time as I may just write this book someday)

At one point, i was concerned that the heat from my head was going to melt the red plastic container I was laying in. I must have been half asleep/half awake at this point.

As Emma awoke AGAIN, I came up with an idea which I lovingly names MY BREASTEST NIGHT NURSE. I wanted to make a simulated boob. It would have straps that went around baby's head, but not so tight that she couldn't take it off. But then, I would need a body seeing as though she likes to pinch, scratch and slap me as she nurses. So, I decided I needed something like a raw chicken (ever pinch the skin on a chicken? I think that's what my chest skin must feel like to her). So obviously, the fake boob would have to be attached to a body. It just got worse from there...I began thinking about clothes it would wear, perfume so that it smelled like me. I began formulating a list in my head, of all the smart people I knew who could help.....

I needed to sleep. I was going crazy in my own head. I began to whisper out loud the things I was thinking.

It was almost 4am and i think my fever broke. I was able to get out of bed and make the journey downstairs for motrin, throat drops, and a drink.

I finally fell asleep only to be awakend 2.5 hours later to Ava screaming at the end of my bed...

"MOM...MOM...there is a giant dead bird on your floor!!!!!"
FML. "Grab the paper towels honey and cover it up unitl your dad gets home"